14 September 2004

Why women cheat

Came across a website today: http://whywomencheat.com/

No, the website won’t tell you much. You’ll have to buy their book to get more gyan. If you read the book, they promise, you’ll learn:
• The REAL reasons why women cheat
• Who the other man is
• What she saw in him that she didn't see in you
• How to prevent a recurrence of infidelity
• The signs of a woman's infidelity
• Insights to her that even she, herself, doesn't know
• What your partner's true needs are
• How most cheating is not a reflection of you or the relationship
• How another man really isn't the problem

And the website http://whymencheat.com guarantees that if you buy their book, you could find out if your partner is cheating even before you finished the book. Site abounds with such claims. Gosh, these guys are actually making money out of infidelity!

I can guess why men cheat. But no sir, a woman’s mind can be mapped just like that. Satyajit Ray’s Charulata might help a lil. Not that a woman is inscrutable, as it is often made out to be. Men love to think that. Orientalisation of a kind.

Who knows the real reasons why women cheat? Is it the incompleteness of the present relationship? Or it just that the woman thinks and feels differently at different hormonal stages and it is not humanly possibly for one man to understand or satisfy her? (Most men would never agree to this.)

Women have to grapple with something very powerful: hormones. Her volatility may be partly due to them. Read the BBC article posted above.

And it is because of these hormones, that sometimes, I feel men will never be able to decode women, or vice-versa. Of course, this feeling goes away but comes back to haunt me sometimes. The difference, after all, seems to be in the genes. And we if take this to be true, then there is no way we will understand each other. But, as with all generalisations, this too can be proved untrue. Am not falling for any determinism ploys!

The sixth thing that the book promises, that is, providing insights to her that even she, herself, doesn’t know… now, now isn’t that a very tall claim? The usual attempt to categorise, simplify, break down the other into understandable, easy to handle bits.

There’s more that I want to say about this. Feeling very distracted now. Boss is breathing down my neck.


Anonymous said...

"Who knows the real reasons why women cheat?"

There is NO "real REASON", really. There are only these facts:

1. Men cheat more because they have better opportunity than women, who are hemmed in by parents/children/husband/in-laws/patriarchal set-up values that allow the male to sow his wild oats, but frowns on woman's pleasures.

2. Women would cheat just as much if they weren't hemmed in like that.

3. The truth is, we ALL (women and men)are polygamous by INSTINCT and preference.
Monogamy was imposed on society after man turned to agriculture after centuries as
1.hunter-gatherer and then
2.pastoral shepherd/cowherd,
when ideas about 'fidelity'hadn't been invented because in those phases man had no fixed dwelling, no ownership of land---hence no firm family ties. Polyandry was just as normal as polygamy.

4. Urbanization and industrialization have made quite obsolete and irrelevant all the most recent bindings and moral codes man invented when he turned to an agricultural lifestyle. Agri-Man conceived ideas and then laws about his own "property"---which extended to his wife and family. Only, for his convenience, he banned polyandry, but retained polygamy.

5. In the new urban setting, man is again going back to his pre-agri roots. And hence women to polyandry.

6. Contraception has liberated man and woman from the fear of unwanted pregnancy. And hence from all the moral codes that were invented to thwart her from promiscuity---which man always indulged in.

7. Fidelity is a concept that was imposed on society during man's agri-lifestyle after centuries of loose ties s/he enjoyed during man's pre-agri existence.

8. ADD all these (contraception + urbanization + break from agri-rooted codes) and you have back-to-freedom ways---which, going by obsolete, agri-rooted codes we keep labelling "infidelity/cheating" etc.

It's high time we realized those outdated values make no sense any longer. Fidelity will have to be re-defined---perhaps in terms of lasting friendship, rather than lasting sexual monopoly of one person over another.

Things changed long ago; we haven't changed our ideas. And hence all the "heartbreaks/family break-ups/melodrama" etc.

These inquiries into why women cheat are inspired by a hangover of patriarchal society's values that lays it down that a man may stray with impunity, but a woman must stay faithful---or be stoned to death.

Western (and Judaic/Christian/Muslim) society is firmly patriarchal and hence harbour such notions, which have only fuelled women's justified rebellion.

D H Lawrence had predicted that contraception would make sex as free and natural as intimate conversation. The trouble is, patriarchal societies overruled values of matriarchal societies long ago. And his recent conditioning by patriarchal values makes it difficult for men to accept the freedom that women now have. He would like sex to be free---only for himself.

When women want that freedom, it's labelled "cheating/infidelity/whorishness/sluttishness" and all the rest. All that is only the whining of those who are paid back in their own coins!

Sham said...

Hmm, if you look around, you would find hundreds of such stupid sites.

The above comment is a rational thought. But rarely do we act rationally!!

On a lighter note,
No wonder Americans and westreners are termed 'infidels' by extremists.. They come up with such immature ideas for making money and more often than not people fall for such traps.

Anonymous said...

hi all
this is in response to a comment posted earlier. The comment rules out all possibilities of a feminism that can be culturally-based, morally sound and decent. It looks like some perverse feminism at place. I reject thoroughly. that women cheat need not be a response of patrichal societies at all.
it has nothing to do with man's history as hunter or agriculturalist....these histories for some reason have always been incomplete and incoherent. We are not in a position to talk about this kind of a history anymore....it simply does not connect itself to cultures as we know them now.
the question itself is as futile as looking for the origin of man or religion.